Perfect Flaws

There is no such thing as perfect.

A perfect house

A perfect marriage

A perfect partner

A perfect life

A perfect moment

There is only one thing in this world, in this life, that is perfect. That perfect thing is a flaw. Flaws make us, us. We go through our lives putting restrictions on things, on life, on others. We have rules, constraints. The job has to be located here or they have to be this tall or they have to make this much money. They must have blue eyes, the house must be in this neighborhood, I will only eat this or that. So many rules, rule our life. Yet acceptance of a flaw, of all of life’s flaws, may be the true key to happiness.

Self-judgment is self-destruction. Who these days doesn’t self-judge? We are so hard on ourselves because of our pasts, our failures, our lack of perfection in life, in love, with work. We are always striving, working, reaching for something different. Everyone seems to be looking for something new and different than what is. And those not looking seem to have reached a state of acceptance of their unhappiness. Are these our two choices: always something different or acceptance of unhappiness? What happened to accepting to what is? Accepting ourselves as we are today. Accepting our age, our job, our life, right now.

You are not your age

You are not your job

You are not your body

You aren’t even your accomplishments or your failures

You certainly aren’t YOU based on your partner or your parents or your siblings.

The real you, the essence of you is something pure. It is something beyond words, something untouched, unexplained, something greater than what you and what everyone else can see.

Judging others is just a way in which we judge ourselves. Writing someone off because they don’t fit our rules, our requirements, our pre-conceived notions about what we want or what we deserve seems very shallow, very sad. But then again we live in this world, this society that has made us believe, has twisted our minds into believing we should want something different, something more, something better, something that fits a list of requirements and a set of rules that was pretty much likely thought up by someone other than ourselves. What you believe to be true, what you believe you may want or need was probably not even a thought or desire developed by you. How messed up is that?

So where does that leave you? Where does that leave me? Well…that puts us all back right where we started. The starting point is a point of acceptance. Acceptance of what is and truly consciously accepting that which we cannot change. Striving to grow is one thing, constantly striving to change is another. Growth within as a human being is a beautiful thing; learning, acceptance, depth, balance. Change, constant change, constant striving against what is, against the now, surely cannot be the way of the world, the goal of us. Can it?

Have you ever had a moment, a moment in time that when you think about it, still makes you smile? It still lights you up from the inside out. You cherish that thought, that memory, that moment so much that you think about reliving it? The problem I see with constant reliving of the past is the risk of losing out on the present moment. You could very well miss the now if you constantly try to remember the past. Remind yourself this: the past was not perfect, the now never will be perfect, and the future isn’t perfect either. What is perfect is the flaw. The flaws of our past, present, and future are what make living, make life, what it is. Acceptance of life’s flaws, our flaws, the flaws of others may be the key to true eternal happiness.

Accept yourself.

No more self-judgment, only love.

Love all of the perfect flaws. Love your imperfect but unique life.

Let the guilt go

It was quite a weekend. Nothing in it felt real. The company, the views, the scenery, the dancing, the laughing, the mountainside, and the fresh feet of snow beneath my board made me feel more alive than I have in months. And when a feeling of guilt would creep up, I kept telling myself that he wouldn’t want me to be any other way than how I was this weekend. He would want me happy. I have to believe he wants me happy.

Moving forward is hard. Piece by piece I let a little more go but it is far from easy. I want to hold on but I know that I can’t. How do you let go without forgetting, without feeling guilt in letting go? I know I will never forget. I need to take all that I know, all that I learned, and all of those lessons and be better than I once was. I refuse to allow him to just become a memory. He is more than that. He’ll always be a part of me.

The snow came down like a blizzard Saturday night in the high country. The flakes were so big and so fluffy, visibility was low after midnight and it was so incredibly quiet. It was quiet and it was beautiful. The storm left Beaver Creek & Vail covered in ~15 inches of fresh powdery fluffy snow. As a new friend of mine said, "snowboarding through this is like crack!”. I actually lost my voice from the screaming. Up and over the mounds of snow, it was hard not to scream and laugh like a little girl. Falling down was like taking a body dive into a cloud of cotton. Beaver Creek was like being a kid in a world class playground. It is a gorgeous place. I looked up many times, thought about life, love, happiness…what do those really mean; then I remembered not to think so much. To let life be. To live free. Live in the moment. Let go of the guilt.

Beaver Creek was a gem of place. Many good long blue runs and enough snow to go until our legs couldn’t go any longer. If it was up to my heart, I would’ve gone until the lifts stopped. There were no lift lines, new friends, great company, and a lot of laughs. It was an unexpected and amazing weekend. Sunday was a perfect day followed by a great night.

Funny thing is I almost didn’t go on this trip. I almost bailed. I wasn’t sure I was ready to try and have fun. I had these feelings of guilt, these feelings of sadness before going. Is it even fair to live this way? A life of pleasure, fun, luxury? The outdoors, nature, making friends, making memories?

I am thankful I went and thankful I went up alone. It was hard to go up with an open mind and an open heart. The courage to do so was worth it. The mountains made me remember what this place is all about, what life should be, how we all should embrace the moment in this one single and precious life that we have been given. One of the last things he wrote to me was that I was capable of all of my dreams. Capable. I hope so. I really do. If this weekend was any indication of what I am capable of: letting go, laughing until it hurts, yelling happily into the cold winter wind until my voice went; then yes I am capable. I have to be.

I have to let the guilt go. It was not my fault. It was nobody’s fault. I could not have changed a thing. We could not have changed a thing.

Thanks to my new friends…for reminding me how to live, for making me laugh, and for allowing me to let the guilt go; even if only for a weekend for now. Hopefully soon I can find a way to let the guilt go for the rest of my days. It’s time.

Let the guilt go.

Passion

Ah…to live a life full of passion. Is this what we are dared to dream? Passion for taste, for touch, for the rush. Life is a gift eh? I read today this: “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery, and today is a gift”. Do you rush through your day doing things that you think matter but really don’t? Or do you long to feel everything, see everything, do everything with gut wrenching, got to have it, experience it, want it, love it, taste it Passion?

Do we see the way we see after our life is behind us? Do we taste? Do we touch? Do we love? Do our souls really exert energy that lingers among the ones we loved? Do our life passions follow us into the next life? Do they go away completely? Do we remember what it felt like to love long after we are gone?

I want to taste everything, see everything, and feel everything now.

I want to Not. Miss. Anything.

I want a life filled with Passion. I don’t do well with neutral, with beige. My life is either on or it’s off. Hot or cold. Lukewarm seems meaningless to me. If I only have these options, I will have to do everything I can to live in a way which I feel as though I am not missing something, I have not forgotten anything. I want to look back and know that I did everything I could do, I gave it all I had, I reached out, I showed, I told, and I loved.

What a tragedy to have loved and lost, truly lost, and never be willing or able to love again. That may be more tragic than loss itself.

I used to have a Passion for food, a zest for life in the mountains, an appreciation for simple things like a fresh pot of coffee, clean cool sheets on my bed, watching the happiness in my dog as she sprints down Mount Sanitas. I felt as though I lost all of this in One. Single. Instant. Wiped clean, the world became a dull and dark place; which is an almost impossible way to describe it here. But even Boulder seemed covered with a cloud so thick that I could no longer see the outline of the foothills, the snowcaps, and the colors here.

As I watched the sunset behind the foothills tonight with Dawson I sat by the South Boulder Creek. I watched and I waited. It was cool out. There was a slight breeze. I thought a lot then I tried to not think so much. I laughed a few times just to myself. Then I even laughed a few times out loud. I thought of stories that make me laugh. Memories that I have. Sometimes we rush through life so fast we stop to forget where we came from. I’m not talking about dwelling on the past, but simply reflecting on where we have been. Then I remembered where I am now. Today. Reality.

Reality. Another great word but perhaps one that is hard to explain. Everyone has a different idea of reality and what reality means to them. Truth is, reality, our own realities exist mostly in our minds. Often times we create a reality in our mind that may not match the true of the reality around us, the one that exists in the everyday natural world. Some of us separate our work from our personal life and consider only one or the other ‘reality’. Some of us consider life at home with family ‘reality’ and others consider their careers ‘reality’. Then there are those who don’t necessarily work for a living but live by feeding a passion. Letting a passion be their life and their work, these people live the truth of who they are each and every day. To me, unless you are living your truth, you aren’t living in any sort of reality at all. Reality…what a crazy term…for who really knows what is ‘real’ and what is ‘not real’ in their lives?

Tomorrow my physical reality will be Vail. Vail has healed me before. There is something about movement, about snow, about air at high altitudes that often times tastes sweeter than air at lower elevations. Passion for pure thrill. Passion for natural beauty, where the mountains and the sky meet and the views are far and wide. To feel so small in such a great and spectacular open space renews my passion for nature. Vail reminds me that nature really is the art of god.

Henry David Thoreau once said: "Nature is full of genius, full of the divinity; so that not a snowflake escapes its fashioning hand."

‘Nature is full of genius.’ Genius. Brilliance. Light. Maybe nature is the only thing we all need. Nature very well may have the power and divinity to heal, the genius and brilliance to clear minds, and the light to remind us of our passions in this one life that we have to live.

Live this one life with Pure Passion. With Fire. With Light. If it’s the last thing you do, love passionately. Give it all you’ve got. For god’s sake, dive in head first. I haven’t been given another choice, another option. This is my only option. To live this one life filled with Passion.

SHUT THE HELL UP

How much value do we place on our own lives? How about the lives of others? I don’t think we place very much value on the life of another until another is gone. Are we taught how to value something by imitating how someone else values something? Are our feelings and thoughts authentic to us, our own mind? Or are our values just something society has sneakily pushed into our psyches?

We value others in our life, but do we really? Do we just think that they add value or do we tell and show them that they do?

I believe we spend a lot of time and effort and energy figuring out how to change others. Not accepting their everything, hoping changes would somehow suit our needs better, make us better, make us happier. I’m guilty of hoping someone would change; thinking this change would not only better me, better them, but it would better us. Acceptance of a whole other is difficult and I think it is so because there is so much toxic stuff floating around in all of our minds. This toxicity has come from this society we live in: there are so many false beliefs and trying to separate those from our lives, from the life of another is a challenge.

I once read a book that I am soon going to read again called the “Meme Machine”. Meme’s are “Mind Viruses”. Memes are beliefs, ideals, thoughts, skills, even behaviors that have spread like wildfire throughout our culture by way of imitation. Not all memes are bad. If you were taught something from your parents for instance, and you learned it by watching them, this is an example of a meme.

This book helps to explain the whys of the world (culture and society) and the whys of ourselves, how we got to where we are today. I was mostly interested in the way the book tries to explain ‘free will’. What is free will? Does free will really exist if most of our action is a result of imitating another? Do you think we make choices based on a choice we saw someone else make? Most of you would say NO! I am my own person! I am unique just like everybody else! But truth is, maybe your authenticity isn’t what you believe it to be.

Trying to separate ourselves from the influences of others and influences of the outside world feels damn near impossible. I think being aware that we are heavily influenced by others however is the first step. Why do what everyone else does? Will that really make you happy? Why are you always trying to please everyone else? You may think that you aren’t, but you very well probably are. On the opposite end of that, trying to push may not be the alternative I am talking about either. We all know that person in our life, the resistor, the person who fights anything and everything that happens to them. They constantly try to rebel against everyone and everybody, if even just in their own minds. Sometimes I think I am the queen resistor.

Here’s where I am going. Do we believe what we believe and are who we are because of the world around us? We seem to believe what others believe, dress how others dress, think as others think…all because society is a powerful and frightening source of mind altering energy. (And you all say Bo didn’t influence my thoughts! Ba! He recommended this book!)

So…how do we change this pattern? How do we show and teach our kids that they don’t need to get sucked into this world of robotic thinking, believing, behaving? Well Jesus, if I knew I would certainly be writing more about that, than just the concept/idea of the Meme. (Pronounced MEEM by the way)

I was told to look into Meditation. (As an alternative right now to the local Psychiatric Ward…laugh that was supposed to be funny) Not only does my mind spin and my thoughts race, but I think about my thoughts more than anything else and I analyze their existence, their creation, and sometimes their destructiveness. I’ve realized that most of my thoughts perhaps even many of my beliefs have really come from others, from our society. I need to learn to quiet my mind. I need to learn to be still. I need to listen to me more and worry less about what I am thinking, believing, doing. Less movement. Reflection. Is that possible for me?

Maybe just maybe, I am a crazed woman. I feel as though I am a crazed wild woman roaming this planet thinking too much. (No wonder he liked me) And others wonder why I am an adrenaline junkie. Only when your body is launched through the air, or you are screaming down the side of a mountain strapped to something, or you are pushing your body to say, run insane distances, does ALL. THOUGHT. STOP. I guess that’s what I am getting to here. STOP THINKING SO MUCH. Start listening more. Shut up. Stop talking. Who knew how hard these things would be for me. I’m certain it is hard for most of us.

So here we are. I got a goal today. Just gonna try to SHUT UP. Shut up my mind from thinking too much, definitely shutting my mouth, and start listening. (Writing doesn’t count by the way, ha!) The change will come. It just might take baby steps to get there. Awareness is the first step! And if I have to pack up a burro and run up the side of the mountain to clear my head for now, or throw myself off a steep mountainside on my snowboard, so be it. Fear is a good method for clearing the mind for now. Speed helps too. If I have to scare the thought from my mind, I guess that’s what I’ll do. Funny how little you are thinking when your survival is at stake. It’s a start.

I challenge you. Try it today.

SHUT THE HELL UP.

Life goes on

It has been quite some time since I had to travel for work. When I started the job with my current company I was on the road probably 75-80% of the time. I was never in the office. It was a challenge to say the least. I quickly despised business travel and travel for that matter. Not sleeping in your own bed, not being in your routine wears on you after a while. That said, I have some funny stories of my travels and have had the opportunity to see some amazing places. “Bravo Mademoiselle” still rings in my ears when I think of my French Marathon nearly 2 years ago. I’ve run nearly all over the country, some places better than others.

Today I head to Boston. I’m looking more forward to running along the Charles tomorrow morning than any other part of the trip. Well that and the sushi. Boston is a great city; it’s just a bear to get there. 4 ½ hour flight there in a middle seat isn’t ideal. It is however hard to complain when you are being paid half of your work day to sit and read. I saw on the news last night about a girl assaulted at an airport for coughing on a plane. I would feel very sorry for anybody trying to assault me right now. I have a few words for this person: Bring It On.

Some day here my blog will turn back to normal, whatever normal means. Back to the everyday experiences, the running (which made me create it in the first place), life, the joys of living and breathing Colorado air, burros, snowboarding powder, Boulder sunrises, good food, great coffee, and the like. I admit though that all things look very different to me now. I haven’t laughed like I used to. Most nights are spent reading. The joy of this gorgeous place I am blessed to live in, isn’t as bright as is used to be. I wonder if that will ever change.

Everyone tells me that things take time. Time. What a funny word. I used to believe I had all the time in the world. Time to sit back and let life live me. Time to allow things to happen on their own. For some reason now this anxiousness has now entered my conscious. Hurry up. Get it all done. Find your happiness now. Then I try to slow down and remember that happiness cannot be searched out. It has been here all along. I just need to allow it to show its face again. That will be a challenge.

Our minds are miraculous things. Controlling our thoughts…well I could spend a lifetime trying to master that. I admit that my mind goes a million miles a minute. I’m sure most people would agree. I don’t regret things as much as I used to. I don’t care what others think. I rarely get feelings of shame or embarrassment. Why should we? This is where things are today.

Truth is what happened in the past has shaped us today but they don’t define us today. Today is all I have. And today I head to Boston. I’ll cozy up in my middle seat, pretend there aren’t two complete strangers on either side of me, and I will read. And I’ll be back in beautiful Boulder before I know it where life…well life goes on.

Scared

Someone told me that there is no such thing as irony. This I am starting to believe. The unexpected seems to be around every corner. Things don’t surprise me like they used to. Shock isn’t possible at this point. Fear is starting to lose its meaning. Hurt is just another word. Pain is real and life goes on.

How do you believe what is meant to be? How do you show how you feel without chasing? How can you prove yourself to someone who doesn’t want you to prove anything? We go through life making assumptions. Assumptions on how others feel, how they will react, how they live, what they do. Only when we stop assuming, stop worry about others, can we really be free to live the life we always dreamed.

Anything anyone assumes about you has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

Going through life and not assuming is a challenge but a skill worth mastering. Think about how free you can be, free from worry and unnecessary pain; when you don’t assume anything?

What is being free? I suppose it is living your truth, being honest with your word, taking chances (risking things like your ego and your pride), and not worrying about the past or the future, only the now. I wonder how people master the now. Writing is hopefully helping me to let go of the past so I can start to focus more on today. I’m trying to worry less about the future and embrace the now. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. We only have today. Why not show your cards? Why live in fear? What do you have to lose?

I’m wary and I’m still sometimes scared. My last love wasn’t perfect love. I’m not sure there is such a thing as perfect love. It’s easy to idolize someone once they are gone and easy to hang on to the good that you remember. We naturally want to remember the good things, forget the bad, and honor a memory, honor a man, honor a love. Remembering his good, our good, is allowing me to let him go, let this be. It’s not going to happen overnight, it will only happen over time. Piece by piece I will let him rest and start focusing on me. I hope others will have patience and understanding with me through this process. I loved him, there is no doubt about that; and I will never say I did not.

I have a desire to love again. But it will have to be right. I can’t plan this love, it will either happen or it won’t. It is not up to me. I don’t believe in coincidence; meeting someone in what feels like a hopeless place and time does not happen on accident. Perhaps relationships like these can be worth more than could have ever been imagined. The easy choice is not always the best choice, the right choice. Who said everything was supposed to be easy? Why have we forgotten to expect the unexpected?

I’m not willing to not take chances. I will throw caution to the wind, and allow myself to be free, to be open, to be whatever and wherever I am meant to be. What is pride anyway? It was something I used to hold onto tight. Now I know more than ever it is just something that used to hold me back. I’m no longer holding back. It’s not worth it. Pride is an illusion. I will take that chance.

From the words of a song I once heard: “I'm too scared to know how I feel about you now”.

Scared?…maybe…
Willing?…always…

Take that chance. Listen to your heart. What do you have to lose?

From the words of Eckhart Tolle: “Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.”

The Crow

There is a crow or perhaps several crows following me around this town. I’m not sure what this means but it has only happened since his departure. I have never noticed crows in Boulder before. Sure enough I’ll be sitting at a stoplight and down a crow (not every time but enough to take notice) will swoop in front of my jeep. I've left the gym and the grocery store and encountered them as well. Walking to my jeep from the office at work, and sure enough a crow watching me from a nearby tree.

Crows are beautiful mystic creatures. They are also dark. I’ve been reading about crows and have found that are known as birds that reside somewhere between this world and the next. They are messengers and are extremely intelligent with the ability to outwit most other birds and even humans.

When I walked down to the Boulder Creek two weeks after his passing to find his final resting place I was welcomed by a crow. High in the treetop with branches hanging over the creek was a crow squawking, cawing at me over and over again. I heard many birds while standing down on the rocks by the creek, on the small island where he left us. But this bird most certainly made me stop and take notice. It did not scare me, but I definitely felt as though it was trying to tell me something.

Bo always told us to pay attention. Listen to the signs. Read them. Nature is always speaking to us, always trying to teach us something we cannot learn from books.

Others have come across other animals since Bo’s passing. A great buck in Chagrin Falls walking through a small back yard seems very fitting for him. I can’t help but think this buck was trying to teach this individual something as well. Animal Speak says this about deer:

“When a deer shows up in your life, it is time to be gentle with yourself and others…when deer show up there is an opportunity to express gentle love that will open new doors to adventure for you”.

There is a crow however watching over me here in Boulder. It is quite strange but somehow comforting. I absolutely love the thought of him flying free both in the literal and figurative sense. But I believe it goes beyond all that, maybe even beyond him. I think this bird is trying to teach me something; something I cannot learn on my own. I watch it and I’m studying its moves. Animal Speak says this about the crow:

“Wherever crows are, there is magic. They are symbols of creation and spiritual strength. They remind us to look for opportunities to create and manifest the magic of life. They are messengers calling to us about the creation and magic that is alive within our world every day and available to us”.

I don’t know what this all means exactly but it’s something of significance to me. The message is not yet clear but hopefully over time I will understand. I hope many things become clear over time. And until then all I can do is pray. Pray and watch this beautiful crow that seems to be watching me.