Let the guilt go

It was quite a weekend. Nothing in it felt real. The company, the views, the scenery, the dancing, the laughing, the mountainside, and the fresh feet of snow beneath my board made me feel more alive than I have in months. And when a feeling of guilt would creep up, I kept telling myself that he wouldn’t want me to be any other way than how I was this weekend. He would want me happy. I have to believe he wants me happy.

Moving forward is hard. Piece by piece I let a little more go but it is far from easy. I want to hold on but I know that I can’t. How do you let go without forgetting, without feeling guilt in letting go? I know I will never forget. I need to take all that I know, all that I learned, and all of those lessons and be better than I once was. I refuse to allow him to just become a memory. He is more than that. He’ll always be a part of me.

The snow came down like a blizzard Saturday night in the high country. The flakes were so big and so fluffy, visibility was low after midnight and it was so incredibly quiet. It was quiet and it was beautiful. The storm left Beaver Creek & Vail covered in ~15 inches of fresh powdery fluffy snow. As a new friend of mine said, "snowboarding through this is like crack!”. I actually lost my voice from the screaming. Up and over the mounds of snow, it was hard not to scream and laugh like a little girl. Falling down was like taking a body dive into a cloud of cotton. Beaver Creek was like being a kid in a world class playground. It is a gorgeous place. I looked up many times, thought about life, love, happiness…what do those really mean; then I remembered not to think so much. To let life be. To live free. Live in the moment. Let go of the guilt.

Beaver Creek was a gem of place. Many good long blue runs and enough snow to go until our legs couldn’t go any longer. If it was up to my heart, I would’ve gone until the lifts stopped. There were no lift lines, new friends, great company, and a lot of laughs. It was an unexpected and amazing weekend. Sunday was a perfect day followed by a great night.

Funny thing is I almost didn’t go on this trip. I almost bailed. I wasn’t sure I was ready to try and have fun. I had these feelings of guilt, these feelings of sadness before going. Is it even fair to live this way? A life of pleasure, fun, luxury? The outdoors, nature, making friends, making memories?

I am thankful I went and thankful I went up alone. It was hard to go up with an open mind and an open heart. The courage to do so was worth it. The mountains made me remember what this place is all about, what life should be, how we all should embrace the moment in this one single and precious life that we have been given. One of the last things he wrote to me was that I was capable of all of my dreams. Capable. I hope so. I really do. If this weekend was any indication of what I am capable of: letting go, laughing until it hurts, yelling happily into the cold winter wind until my voice went; then yes I am capable. I have to be.

I have to let the guilt go. It was not my fault. It was nobody’s fault. I could not have changed a thing. We could not have changed a thing.

Thanks to my new friends…for reminding me how to live, for making me laugh, and for allowing me to let the guilt go; even if only for a weekend for now. Hopefully soon I can find a way to let the guilt go for the rest of my days. It’s time.

Let the guilt go.