Scared

Someone told me that there is no such thing as irony. This I am starting to believe. The unexpected seems to be around every corner. Things don’t surprise me like they used to. Shock isn’t possible at this point. Fear is starting to lose its meaning. Hurt is just another word. Pain is real and life goes on.

How do you believe what is meant to be? How do you show how you feel without chasing? How can you prove yourself to someone who doesn’t want you to prove anything? We go through life making assumptions. Assumptions on how others feel, how they will react, how they live, what they do. Only when we stop assuming, stop worry about others, can we really be free to live the life we always dreamed.

Anything anyone assumes about you has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

Going through life and not assuming is a challenge but a skill worth mastering. Think about how free you can be, free from worry and unnecessary pain; when you don’t assume anything?

What is being free? I suppose it is living your truth, being honest with your word, taking chances (risking things like your ego and your pride), and not worrying about the past or the future, only the now. I wonder how people master the now. Writing is hopefully helping me to let go of the past so I can start to focus more on today. I’m trying to worry less about the future and embrace the now. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. We only have today. Why not show your cards? Why live in fear? What do you have to lose?

I’m wary and I’m still sometimes scared. My last love wasn’t perfect love. I’m not sure there is such a thing as perfect love. It’s easy to idolize someone once they are gone and easy to hang on to the good that you remember. We naturally want to remember the good things, forget the bad, and honor a memory, honor a man, honor a love. Remembering his good, our good, is allowing me to let him go, let this be. It’s not going to happen overnight, it will only happen over time. Piece by piece I will let him rest and start focusing on me. I hope others will have patience and understanding with me through this process. I loved him, there is no doubt about that; and I will never say I did not.

I have a desire to love again. But it will have to be right. I can’t plan this love, it will either happen or it won’t. It is not up to me. I don’t believe in coincidence; meeting someone in what feels like a hopeless place and time does not happen on accident. Perhaps relationships like these can be worth more than could have ever been imagined. The easy choice is not always the best choice, the right choice. Who said everything was supposed to be easy? Why have we forgotten to expect the unexpected?

I’m not willing to not take chances. I will throw caution to the wind, and allow myself to be free, to be open, to be whatever and wherever I am meant to be. What is pride anyway? It was something I used to hold onto tight. Now I know more than ever it is just something that used to hold me back. I’m no longer holding back. It’s not worth it. Pride is an illusion. I will take that chance.

From the words of a song I once heard: “I'm too scared to know how I feel about you now”.

Scared?…maybe…
Willing?…always…

Take that chance. Listen to your heart. What do you have to lose?

From the words of Eckhart Tolle: “Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.”